Life's been a bit strange lately. I've been a bit strange lately. I haven't really been able to express myself anymore... through my work, through photography, through anything. I'm drowning in my studies; Ive lost the will to strive. I have responsibilities, duties and friends but most of them feel superficial and fake, and I dont really want to burden my proper friends with complaints because I know that most of my problems are trivial and not really worth the trouble, but I still feel down.
Its hard to keep smiling all the time. My smile slips off my face like a bar of soap, and then I suddenly feel like an animal all over again, like back in the days where I didn't interact with anyone besides my family, because I didn't know how. Its hard to joke, its hard to laugh, its especially painful when I have to learn how to have physical contact with others because I sometimes feel just so inadequate and shy, so anything beyond my awkward pat on the shoulder or back makes me feel so intrusive and alien. People say Im cold that way. I cant spontaneously hug people, or provide great emotional support, or even read moods very well. When I act its usually entirely by accident, by instinct or because someone told me to; I haven't made a conscious emotional decision in a long time. I could talk with you, but hugging people properly is just such a foreign concept to me its scary. I guess I feel a bit lost. I want to be there for people, yet Im scared that Im not deserving or not good enough, or I feel like I sometimes have no right to intrude at all.
Actions speak louder than words, you know, and sometimes just a simple movement just screams at me. I have all these wonderful people in my life that give support and encouragement, but I just cant seem to give back. All I can do is talk.
I feel a bit cut off, but thats okay I guess. Im just so afraid of losing my humanity. Why is it Im a stranger in my own home?
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